Dr. Seuss... for adolescents

[Cayden Thomas Murphy]

Oh, The Places You'll Actually Go!
By: Dr. Seuss

This is it!

This moment right now is the youngest you'll be
For the rest of your life. Just wait and just see!
So maybe step back and take a good look
You'll be even older when you finish this book.

On this milestone people will tell you you're great.
All your friends will hear, too, of their wonderful fate.

Max dominates baseball, he might even go pro.
McGill plans to sing songs in a traveling show.
Sally Sue's got a trust fund, she's set for life.
Omar wants to make partner at Figgleston-Schlife.

But just think for a second
Now how can that be?
Not everyone's special,
sta-tist-tic-al-ly.

Chances are better,
though you don't want to believe,
That most of your goals
will not be achieved.

You'll set out today to follow your dreams,
But you'll quickly discover that life's not what it seems.
It's awkward, it's lonely, and you'll have no assurance
That you won't have to serve coffee just to get health insurance.

It's not what you hoped for or what you expected,
But it's just a first job so don't feel too dejected.
Save those schmoffed-up feelings for next month or next year,
Because you're just getting older and it gets much worse from here.

You'll soon sink to a place that you think is low,
But then it gets lower, you'll learn how low low things go.
Call up your friend's parents and your parents' friends.
All social interaction is now a means to an end.
If a person can't help you, he's not worth your time.
Finding a job is the only thing on your mind.
You're focused and driven and determined to succeed,
But you WON'T, my dear child, GIVE UP! CONCEDE!

You thought college would help you find a good job,
But all that it did was turn you into a slob.
Four years of sweatpants and ramen and booze,
You set your sights high, but guess what: YOU LOSE!
You can't do a damn thing that will help you pay bills,
Because your liberal arts college taught you no applicable skills.
You don't know how to make spreadsheets or balance accounts.
And in the work force that's about all that counts.

You can't get a job and you're totally broke.
What will you do? Why, you'll become a big joke!
You'll call up your buddy, old Billiam Blovel,
And say, "You know, Dude? I'm gonna finish that novel!"
But you won't finish that novel. It's not very good.
You wonder why you ever even thought that you could.
"A novel? A novel?!" You'll stop and you'll say
Before stupidly thinking, "Of course, a screenplay!"

You'll waste a few weeks, a few months, a few years
Until you come to embody all of your fears.
You'll live with your parents, who love you less and less,
While your life crumbles around you in a big, heaping mess.

But don't worry, kid. It has to get better.
I mean, RIGHT? It'll definitely get better.
Just keep waiting around and one day you'll see
That your life isn't as bad as it maybe could be.
You probably won't starve or anything like that.
In fact, in all likelihood, you're going to get fat.

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm telling the truth.
Your high expectations are a product of youth.
But they're stupid, cliche, and surely will fall,
'Cause you're not smart, or talented, or special at all.
But mediocrity is normal. It's what that word means.
So, come on, kid, just give up your dreams.

Then again...

Maybe I'm not the best guy for real world advice-giving.
I'm a fake doctor who writes rhymes for a living.